The Importance of Raising Responsible Sons
In many societies, especially within traditional setups, there exists a troubling norm: boys are often exempt from household responsibilities, placed on a pedestal, and shielded from chores while girls are burdened with practical duties from a young age. When these boys grow up, they struggle with accountability, and the common “solution” offered is: “Get him married—he’ll learn responsibility after marriage.” But is this fair? Is it just to place the burden of teaching a grown man basic life skills onto his wife? Should our daughters and sisters be treated as training centers for irresponsible men?
This mindset needs to change—and it starts at home, long before marriage.
The Problem: Boys Raised as Kings, Girls as Servants
From childhood, many boys are conditioned to believe that housework is beneath them. “Yeh kaam ladkiyon ke liye hai,” they’re told. They don’t clean, cook, or contribute, while their sisters are expected to serve them. This imbalance does two things:
- It cripples boys – They grow up helpless, unable to manage basic tasks, and develop an entitled attitude.
- It exploits girls – They’re trained to be caretakers, reinforcing the idea that their role is to serve men.
Then, when an irresponsible man fails at adulthood, society blames his wife: “Tumne sambhala nahi.” Why must a woman fix a problem she didn’t create?
Islamic Perspective: Responsibility Starts in Childhood
Islam places immense emphasis on justice and fairness. The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ)was a practical example—he mended his clothes, helped with chores, and never considered any work beneath him. If the greatest of men took part in household duties, why do we raise our sons as if they’re above it?
Allah says in the Quran:
وَتَعَاوَنُوا عَلَى الْبِرِّ وَالتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَلَا تَعَاوَنُوا عَلَى الْإِثْمِ وَالْعُدْوَانِ
“And cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not cooperate in sin and aggression.” (5:2)
By allowing boys to evade responsibility, we’re cooperating in their weakness. A Muslim man is supposed to be a leader, a provider, and a helper—not someone who flees from basic duties.
Mothers: The First Teachers
A mother’s role is crucial. While fathers must also lead by example, mothers often shape a child’s daily habits. If a mother:
- Spoils her son, doing everything for him, he’ll expect the same from his wife.
- Teaches equality, making him clean his plate, fold his clothes, and contribute, he grows into a capable adult.
The Prophet (PBUH) said:
كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، فَالْإِمَامُ رَاعٍ وَمَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، وَالرَّجُلُ رَاعٍ فِي أَهْلِهِ وَهُوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، وَالْمَرْأَةُ رَاعِيَةٌ فِي بَيْتِ زَوْجِهَا وَمَسْئُولَةٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهَا، وَالْخَادِمُ رَاعٍ فِي مَالِ سَيِّدِهِ وَمَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ
“Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” (Bukhari)
Mothers must ask themselves: Am I raising a responsible shepherd or a dependent child?
Breaking the Cycle
- Stop Gender-Based Chores – Cooking and cleaning are life skills, not “women’s work.”
- Encourage Accountability – If a boy makes a mess, he cleans it. No exceptions.
- Prepare for Marriage, Not Dependence – Marriage isn’t a reform school. A man should enter it ready to contribute, not to be “trained.”
- Lead by Example – Fathers must show sons that real men help at home.
Lessons from the Salaf: Raising Sons Who Lead, Not Just Rule
The early generations modeled responsibility through action, not empty privilege. Imam Ali (رضي الله عنه) declared in Ghurar al-Hikam (no. 4567):
“من قصر في تأديب الولد فقد ظلمه”
“Whoever neglects disciplining their child has oppressed them.”
Ibn al-Qayyim documented in Tuhfat al-Mawdud (p. 229):
“إهمال الأبناء أشد من قتلهم”
“Neglecting children’s upbringing is worse than killing them” – comparing spoiling to spiritual murder.
Caliph Umar’s (رضي الله عنه) practical training is recorded in ‘Uyun al-Akhbar (Ibn Qutaybah 4/107):
When his son complained about manual chores, Umar responded:
“إنك لا تصلح للناس حتى تصلح لنفسك”
“You cannot reform others until you reform yourself.”
Al-Bayhaqi narrates in Shu’ab al-Iman (6/398) that the Prophet’s companions:
“كانوا يُعلّمون البنين خدمة البيت كما يُعلّمون البنات”
“They taught boys household service just as they taught girls.”
Conclusion: Justice Begins at Home
If we want strong, responsible men, we must raise them—not expect their wives to fix them later. Our daughters deserve partners, not projects. Our sons should be assets, not burdens.
Change starts with you, today. Before telling a girl “Shaadi kar ke sambhal legi,” ask yourself: Did I raise my son to be someone worth marrying?
Because a real man isn’t made by his wife. He’s made by his upbringing.